February to July was an eventful period — trainings, fundraising, ministry, shifting, one thing after another. No matter how tired I was, I told myself to carry on. I just shifted to a new environment. The present place seemed better than my previous one. But the challenge was getting along with the elderly house owner. After shifting, I fell ill as a result of physical and mental exhaustion. On hearing that I had moved again, my colleague said I should get “the most-frequent shifting” award.
My spiritual journey had been like the exodus, when the Israelites were hemmed in between the Red Sea and Pharaoh’s chariots. Tremendous pressures from all over forced me to re-examine my relationship with God and the core issues in my life. I could not write about my experience until I had processed my feelings and thoughts.
I finally understood why God allowed certain things to happen in my life. He wanted to heal my wounded memories by making me face up to the intense conflicts with my immediate family. This enabled forgiveness and memories integration to take place and understanding my trigger point. Usually negative emotions can be traced. No one likes to face the ugly scars, but if we don’t , certain situation will trigger an emotional crisis.
Revisiting wounded memoriesLast November, I applied for a three-month sabbatical in order to give my body a chance to recover. I didn’t know that I had to face the ugly wounds, especially when I had more opportunity to interact with my family members. Every year, I go back to my hometown in Sabah for Chinese New Year. My visit is usually a short one. We don’t really have much interaction. Therefore, there is less friction. But this time, my stay was longer and more interaction took place. Conflict is inevitable. Wounded memories from the past slowly emerged. I had to face the root issues. It was a time when I had to learn to trust God and make some needed adjustments to the way I thought and lived my life.
I noticed under what circumstances I could easily be provoked — when people expected me to be perfect or when I was deprived of my basic needs. Negative emotions exploded. I learned that when past hurts are not dealt with, similar situations will recur. Our emotions will only settle when the root issue is dealt with and our past memory system is re-programmed.
During that period of time, my high school was the place I fled to for refuge when I encountered an emotional crisis at home. I would cry out to the Lord for help. Visiting my high school also brought back all the unpleasant memories of childhood. I remembered being humiliated by my BM teacher in front of the class when I used the wrong word in my essay. I was scolded by my English teacher before all my classmates for poor preparation in a speech competition…. Little did I know that my heart was wounded and I grew up with much fear in me.
Fearful of being hurt and not meeting expectations, I had a strong sense of self-esteem and responsibility. All these feelings, coupled with a lot of guilt, plagued my childhood. My mum always took the side of my siblings whenever we had arguments. I was often said to be in the wrong even when it wasn’t so. Mum’s insecurity in financial matters was often the cause of our conflicts during my extended visit to my hometown. Living in anxiety constantly could have contributed to the breaking down of my physical health. On top of that, I worried about my dad’s career setbacks and financial problem. I couldn’t offer him much assistance even though he had expected me to help shoulder his burden after I graduated from university.
When friends came to me for counsel and poured out an avalanche of negative emotions, I had to encourage them despite knowing that my emotions and energy tank had almost hit the bottom. I was in a crisis situation. I couldn’t function unless I took a break from people and ministry for a while. I decided to take a sabbatical leave which I had not taken since my last twenty years of full-time service.
The healing of memories beginsA rubber band will break if it is stretched too far. Without pain and suffering, one does not understand the pressure one has put on oneself and may not be able to see one’s problems clearly. I realized that I had been living for others and their expectations. Even more frightening was that I didn’t know who I was any more. All that I had practiced those years was from my head and not my heart. I didn’t listen to my heart’s cry. It’s hard to live like that. Through brokenness, I have to humbly face the issues of my heart. Through the journey of soul searching before God and prayer, I finally understood that bearing someone else’s responsibility, self-pity, living under people’s expectations, fear of failure and fear of being reprimanded are very unhealthy negative emotions. I also found out that the reason I was easily tensed was due to lack of love and security. I have a long way to go before I can be fully secure in God. Many won’t understand how painful the process is until they experience it.
God’s healing starts from inside out. He uses adversity to draw me closer to Him and turns things round for my good. He captured my attention in those precious moments when I sought refuge in Him at my high school. When we have nowhere to turn to and no place for rest, God will provide the rest that we need, so long as we turn to Him for help and know who He really is and who we are in Christ.
There is healing, forgiveness, grace, unconditional love and acceptance at the cross of Christ. “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). When we learn to carry the Lord’s yoke and trust and obey Him, the burden on our shoulders will gradually roll off. Praise the Lord that He knows when to uproot what is not of Him and rebuild what is of Him in me.
Another lesson I am learning is positive thinking. It’s important to speak life and words that build us up and to overcome any thoughts that deter us from moving forward. Then we will be able to have enough energy to face challenges in life. God wants us to think like this: “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things ”(Philippians 4:8). Do not be harsh on ourselves. Be generous and gracious in relating to others. Think more about the good than the negative in others. Negative thoughts not only injure ourselves but also hurt our loved ones and others. No one likes to be around negative people because it is energy-sapping. When people or the environment doesn’t change, we need to change! We need to learn to give encouragement to ourselves. During difficult moments, we still lift up the name of Jesus instead of magnifying the problems. If I continue to live in self-pity, I still do not understand the love that has been shown on Calvary.
Learning to encourage ourselves and othersWhen people are in crisis, they need a good support system. Otherwise it will be difficult for them to move on in life and this may lead to depression and the need for counseling. No matter at what stage in life, we can lend a listening ear and pray for them. This is a manifestation of the grace of Christ towards people. When there is no support system, we must learn to find a way out from the dilemma. We must change ourselves instead of waiting for help to come. There is a proverb: “At home, we rely on our parents. When we are out in society, we rely on friends.” I would say that the truth is Jesus is our only refuge. There are times when family and friends may not be able to help, and we need to turn to God for help. “My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber” (Psalm 121:2-3). Learning to speak God’s word into our lives is important. This spiritual empowerment results from our daily communion with God, praising and trusting Him for who He is and who we are in Christ.
